The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales
by Miranda Aurelia
Summary: Semi-Parody. Voldemort suffers from fainting spells and liberal usage of Crucio, Harry & Hermione are 'together', Lucius considers a vacation away from his insane boss, Draco tries to find a new publicist and his son from the future visits. HHr DG
1. Chapter 1

The Azakan Hot Tub Tales  
By Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

This fic was previously posted on Portkey and since it was quite well received over there, I hope FFN will be okay! Ships include HHr and DG.

EDIT: Warning - this fic is intended to be a parody of the HP universe which means I will be messing up some of the characters pretty badly - depending on your point of view. And yes...I don't own Harry Potter.

Full Summary: A Semi-Parody HP Adventure. In which Voldemort suffers from fainting spells and liberal usage of Crucio, Harry and Hermione can't keep their hands off each other, Lucius contemplates a trip to Outer Mongolia to get away from his insane boss, Draco tries to find a new publicist and every Malfoy at Hogswarts gets pushed down the stairs at least once.

Chapter 1

"Ow!!"

Upon hearing this declaration, Wormtail looked up fearfully. It seemed as though Lord Voldemort had tripped over his robes once again.

"Dear Merlin," muttered Lucius under his breath, "I can't believe we're depending on this guy to help us wipe out all the muggleborns…"

"What was that?!" A dangerous glint appeared in Voldemort's flashing red eyes as he glared at his chief Death Eater.

To his credit, Lucius still managed to think a half-way decent reply. "I was merely commenting on the hot tubs at Azkaban," he said coolly.

Beside him, one of the cloaked figures hastily turned a snicker into a hacking cough.

"Uh…" Voldemort looked a bit confused by this reply. "Uh…yes!" He recovered, "We must eliminate Harry Potter once and for all!"

"But what does that have to do with the hot tubs at Azkaban?" wondered one of the slower Death Eaters.

"We'll drown him in it!" snapped Voldemort, "What? You got a better idea?"

"Say no," whispered another Death Eater.

"…No?"

"Crucio!" A sharp beam of red shot towards the first Death Eater who immediately jumped aside, smacking into another one of his comrades.

"Dammit!" swore Voldemort, "Stand still so I can unleash excruciating pain on you!"

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Watching the ensuring chaos that followed, Lucius sighed.

The same brilliant and charismatic leader that had 'convinced' them all to join this study group was no more. One too many evil and twisted spells had not only given him a hideous and grotesque face, but also a horrid personality coupled with bursts of childish temper tantrums.

Leaning back slightly to avoid some of the more enthusiastic pyrokinetics, Lucius shook his head.

Luckily for him, Voldemort was too busy to notice that small betrayal as he chased after his Death Eaters with abandon. The green and red lights of the various spells made the cave look like a high school disco and so struck with an irresistible urge to dance, he began to boogie while running. Such action was in fact much more effective than the dark spells.

Half paralyzed by laughter, confusion and shock, Voldemort improved his score to 2/15 as a bawling Nott was hit by a poorly aimed stunner.

However, the Dark Lord soon found himself out of breathe due to lack of regular exercise and severe anorexia. Leaning heavily against the wall, the movement exposed the mark he had emblazed on his arm. Smiling rather craftily, he found a way to drive the point home.

Inside a classroom in Hogswarts school miles away, Snape suddenly let out a yell.

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"Snape yells like a girl," snickered Ron Weasley as the 6th year Gryffindors filed out of the classroom where Snape was subbing for Professor Flitwick.

However, to Hermione that wasn't the most important thing. "Didn't you see that Snape was clutching his arm?" she whispered excitedly. "Maybe Voldemort was calling him!"

"Don't be paranoid," scoffed Ron, "He probably just had a cramp in his arm or something. Besides, Harry would have felt-"

At that exact moment, Harry's eyes rolled back and he collapsed into a heap on the ground.

"Harry!" shrieked Hermione.

"Drama queen," sneered Draco as he walked pass.

Glaring at the blond's retreating back, Ron grabbed a passing 4th year and hissed into his ear, "I'll pay you five galleons to push that prat down the stairs."

The Ravenclaw, who needed the money for the upcoming Hogsmeade trip nodded eagerly. Once the money was received, Ron, Hermione and Harry, who was slowly regaining consciousness, watched as Draco was pushed unceremonious down two flights of uncarpeted stairs.

Ron grinned when he heard the resulting thuds and yelps. "Ah, now that is music to my ears."

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"I didn't know it was you! Mommy! Ahhh!! C'mon, I'm innocent! Ahhhh! Noooo!! Get that plushie doll away from me!!!" Tonight's entertainment in the Slytherin common room featured the unfortunate Ravenclaw from this morning, but Draco just couldn't seem to derive much satisfaction from it no matter how much yelling resulted.

Slightly annoyed and thoroughly disgruntled, he wandered over to the fireplace where the bird boy hung suspended by his shoelaces directly in front of the raging fire.

The crowd parted for him and his two bodyguards cleared any that were too drunk to move by themselves. Staring into the terrified eyes, all he felt was annoyance. Still, his reputation had to be upheld…after all, the brat had pushed him down two flights of stairs AND messed up his hair in the process as well!

"And to think the idiot did it for five galleons," He muttered to himself as he carelessly picked up one of the red-hot pokers…

Suddenly a loud shriek was heard and Pansy came flying into the room. Draco deigned to give her a bored look. "What is it now, Parkinson?" he drawled.

"We're being flooded!! Why are you still standing there?!" was the only reply before Pansy rushed out of the dungeons.

It was only then that the rest of the Slytherins in front of the fireplace noticed the thin layer of water that now covered the floor of the common room.

"Ahh!!"

Everyone jumped as Goyle let out an girlish scream. "I can't swim!!" He tried to jump onto Draco – only the blond's quick reflexes ensured that he didn't end up smashed into a pancake.

"Ah!! I'm drowning!! Save me!!" Goyle wailed as he tried to prevent himself from falling into the water, which was now about four centimeters deep.

Draco turned his gaze upwards. "Who the bloody hell did I offend in my last lifetime to deserve this…" he muttered to himself before carelessly throwing away the poker and heading to the entrance. He ignored that yelp that came from a fourth year that the poker almost hit.

"Well?" he turned around and snapped, "What are you waiting for?"

The resulting stampede for the door resulted in Crabbe, Goyle and a third year student being stuck in the doorway and Draco being plastered against the wall like a swatted fly as he was unceremoniously shoved to the side in the rush.

Grunting, swearing and shoving, the three of them effectively blocked up the entrance.

Picking himself off the wall, Draco tried to recover what was left of his dignity.

"Make way, make way," he snarled as he shoved his way through the crowd to the entrance. "Blaise! Come here!"

The other Slytherin gave him a questioning look, but complied.

"Okay, on the count of three, you are going to push Crabbe out and I'm going to grab the squirmy twit there," Draco jerked a finger at the struggling third year.

"One, two-"

At that moment, the three students stuck in the doorway tumbled forward into a heap outside the entrance while Blaise, storming through the entrance and yelling like an amateur kamikaze pilot high on drugs, tripped on the third year's outstretched feet and landed face first onto the ground.

This time Draco was clever enough to scramble out of the entrance and out of the way of the stampede as the Slytherins rushed out of the common room.

Meanwhile, from a dark corner near the entrance, two hooded figures watched as the last of the Slytherins departed and crept in silently through the open door.

"Took you two long enough," said the Ravenclaw dryly.

"There was a traffic jam outside, boss." Said one of the hooded figures apologetically, "Ten wizard collision, if you get what I mean."

A quick incantation from the other figure released the Ravenclaw from where he had been hanging, although he ended up in the water, which had now risen to about knee-level.

Spitting out a mouth-full of water, he followed his rescuers out of the dungeon and the three of them made their way back to the Ravenclaw common room.

As they neared the entrance, the two mysterious figures shed their cloaks while the face of the imprisoned Ravenclaw changed subtly. His hair lightened from its previously dark brown color until it was a light blond color while his nose lengthened and his eyes changed into a their normal grey color. Meanwhile, his companions shed their cloaks to reveal Henry Boot and another fourth year Ravenclaw.

By the time, they neared the entrance, it could easily be seen that he was indeed a relative of the notorious Draco Malfoy – which he was.

Like his cousin, he stopped abruptly three feet from the entrance to check his hair in the reflection of a mirror.

"Give me a break," groaned the mirror, "Your hair's perfect, okay boy-o?"

Duke Malfoy just gave the mirror the trademarked Malfoy sneer before turning away.

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Meanwhile, far off in the underground cavern that doubled as their current hiding place, Lord Voldemort had finally stopped flinging spells at every single creature that so much as breathed and had slunk off to wherever it was in the vast underground network of tunnels.

His followers, however, were left totally bored. After all, one can only pray to various evil gods so many times before it becomes repetitive and annoying.

Avery kicked a pebble in Lucius' direction. "I didn't know that they had hot tubs at Azkaban. Does that mean that they have chamber maids and room service too?"

The blond merely glared at him between narrowed eyes. "You mean to tell me you have never heard of the famous Hot Tubs of Azkaban?"

"I wasn't aware that it was a five star hotel dude."

"It's merely a nickname, you idiot," Lucius gritted through his teeth, "The Hot Tubs refer to a vast hole smack in the center of the island filled with boiling lava."

"Really? But why would they need it when they have all those Dementors?"

Lucius turned his eyes upward for a minute before a cynical smile appeared on his face. "There are worse things that can happen to people than the Dementor's Kiss, you know."

"Like what?"

Most of the other Death Eaters were now openly muttering amongst themselves. After all, what could possibly be worse than receiving the Dementor's Kiss?

"It is rumored," Lucius adopted a falsely light tone, "That one dip in there will instantly convert anyone into a raving Legolas fangirl."

"No." Nott's complexion seemed to have taken on a slight shade of green, "You can't be serious."

"Of course I'm not!" snapped Lucius. "It's boiling lava! You honestly expect to live after being dipped in 1000°C of hot boiling liquid?!"

"Well, if you have really strong freezing charm or something…"

"They don't work," Lucius said flatly.

"Wait a second. How come you know so much about these Hot Tubs?" asked another masked figure suspiciously.

"It was on the brochure."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind." Lucius refrained from rolling his eyes once more. He'd forgotten that the majority of his fellow Death Eaters failed to comprehend sarcasm.

"So we're throwing Harry Potter in there?"

"That's the plan yes."

"Uh…how are we supposed to get him there?"

"We drag him there by his hair of course!" shrieked Bellatrix and then she gave a mad cackle.

"So how are you getting him out of Hogswarts in the first place, Bella dear?" Lucius inquired politely.

"We kidnap him?"

"Get Draco to bash him over the head with something hard."

"And then you expect your nephew to simply drag the Boy-Who-Lived out the front doors of the school?"

"NO!" Everyone jumped as Voldemort reappeared inside the vast cavern. "No," he repeated again with a crafty smile, "We simply grab the Weasel and the Mudblood he hangs out with. Then we'll use them to lure Potter to Azkaban for a nice dip!"

"Didn't we try that last time, Boss?"

"Crucio!"

Lucius resisted the urge to bang his head against something hard as Voldemort once more starting shooting random spells at his Death Eaters.

Well, at least it was keeping them all in shape.

End Part 1

Comments, thoughts, whatever, please! )


	2. Chapter 2

The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales

By Miranda Aurelia

Thanks to everyone that took the time to comment. You have no idea how much that means to me. insert happy face here! Also, I hope that there's some c2's out there that's willing to adopt my poor fic. It's just so easy to get lost in the huge category that is Harry Potter fanfiction here on FFN!

Disclaimer: Don't own HP but I still enjoy messing up the characters.

D/G coming up in this chapter for all you D/G shippers out there! grins Plus some H/Hr fluff.

Chapter 2

"Are you sure that you're alright, Harry?"

Ron groaned from his spot on the floor and chucked his Quidditch magazine at the couple currently sitting side by side on the couch. "Hermione, that's the fiftieth time you've asked him that today."

"Well, he did have a fainting spell for no reason at all. I think that's cause for concern."

"Maybe he's just tired because you kept him up all last night," muttered the redhead under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Hey, let's not start throwing things at each other now, okay?" Harry threw an arm around Hermione's shoulder and drew her back against him. "Sometimes I swear the two of you live simply to argue."

"Hey!" protested Ron, "That is so not true. I live for plenty other things too, I'll have you know."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Is that even proper grammar?"

"Whatever. The point, is-ah! you're doing it again! Stop!"

"What?"

"Look, I have no problems with-or at least I manage by reciting Hogswarts A History backwards-but Harry, mate, can you stop putting your hands under Hermione's shirt when I'm in the room?!"

"Hypocrite."

"I never do anything like that with Luna!"

"No," explained Hermione, sharing an amused grin with Harry, "But we never said anything about Luna."

"Opps."

"Besides," added Harry innocently, "I think I spotted a certain Ravenclaw visiting last night."

Ron flushed, "She had to, uh, borrow a book, yeah! That's it!"

"So the both of you spent the whole night in bed – reading."

"Yeah, I guess that about sums it up."

"Ron," Hermione sighed, "If you ever do end up in court –and let's hope that never happens- please promise me you'll get a lawyer."

"Huh?"

"What she means to say is that your, uh, lying skills could use some improvement."

"Bite me."

"I wouldn't mind," a familiar voice said from behind him, "Ronald."

"And he accuses us of being overly affectionate." Harry said to Hermione in a low voice, his hand drifting up her shirt once again.

"I heard that!" Ron pulled away from his liplock with Luna long enough to throw his best friends a glare, "And keep those hands where I can see them!"

"Now you're acting like my dad."

Harry tried to repress an involuntary shudder, "Sorry, honey. Ron's annoying, but your father is on par with a mad axe murderer."

"Harry Potter! Did you just call my dad a-"

Harry swiftly decided that damage control was a necessity and he immediately captured Hermione's lips to quell anymore protests.

This went on for a good half-minute before the two of them finally broke apart for air.

"Can I scratch my eyes out now?"

"Ronald, I think that's unsanitary."

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"Why am I hanging around you again?" wondered Ginny Weasley out loud.

"You didn't want to get sunburned, oh and because you felt like shoving the fact in Weasel's face." Draco smirked from his place on the grass beside her.

Both of them were currently avoiding the late morning sun and the rest of the student population at the same time and had taken refuge in a shady area on the grounds south of the castle.

"Ah yes. That's why nobody knows we're hanging out together." Ginny rolled her eyes, "After all, it's just sooo easy to rub a fact that nobody knows about in Ron's face."

"Absolutely."

"Draco." Ginny gave him a narrow look, "Sometimes I really wonder if your apparent stupidity is really an act or not."

"Apparent stupidity?!" The blond looked outraged, "My grades are as good as Granger's, if not better."

"That's why I said apparent." An amused grin appeared on her face, "Or maybe it's that fall down the stairs you took yesterday," she added sweetly.

"I still have to pay your brother back for that."

"And what was up with that stampede out of the dungeons last night?"

A scowl immediately appeared his face. "Some idiot flooded the Slytherin common room-"

Her grin widened. "I heard that you almost got trampled in the process."

"Somebody will soon have their tongue ripped out," was the dry reply.

"I love it when you go all evil, Drakkie."

"Don't call me that!" Suddenly something in what she said occurred to him, "Are you implying that I'm not evil enough?" he demanded.

"Do you honestly want me to answer that?"

"ACK!" Ginny jumped as Draco abruptly let out a cry of frustration before he stood up and began pacing.

"I'm not evil enough?" He asked again.

"Why the heck would you want to be?"

"I have a reputation to uphold, damnit!" Draco snarled angrily and then he added under his breath, "Not to mention I'm supposed to be a Death Eater in training and all that jazz."

"Malfoy!" This time Ginny jumped up onto her feet and placed her hands on her hips. "I thought you stopped going to those Young Death Eater meetings already!"

"I did!" He protested, "But how can I be a good spy if I can't pull off the evilness thing?"

"Well, Ron still thinks that you're a spawn of Satan." Ginny offered.

"He also thinks I'm an SOB, but that doesn't help." Just as abruptly Draco plopped down onto the grass again. "I swear this is all your fault."

"Now just a minute here, Malfoy! How is all _my_ fault?"

"You're making me less inclined to be nasty and evil."

"Oh pleeeease. Give me a break." Ginny rolled her eyes at him, "Next thing you'll be telling me some romance novel crap like how I make you want to be a better man."

"Weasley, I like you," he drawled, "But not that much."

"No," Ginny corrected, "We tolerate each other – at best."

"Damn shame. I was thinking we could recreate that Romeo and Juliet atmosphere. You know, the feuding families and stuff."

"So you want wild, premarital sex while we're at it?" Ginny somehow managed to ask this with a straight face.

"Are you offering?"

Ginny placed her hands over her eyes and gave a loud sigh. "Why are we here again?"

"Weasley, I think we've been over that part about seven minutes ago."

Both of them were silent for a moment.

"Think about what it would do for my image though." Draco finally said, "And I could piss your brother off at the same time."

"You're just desperate, aren't you?"

"I'm reasserting my evilness – and that includes seducing the sister of my worst enemy."

"Why Draco," Ginny gave him an arch look, "What happened to all that gossip about you being the ultimate ladies man?"

"My publicist was being a pain in the arse." Draco gave a careless wave of his fingers, "Maybe I should fire him."

"Well, what did your publicist have to say about the fact that you're hanging out with me?"

"That depends on you, really," Draco drawled, giving her a thoughtful look, "Apparently you can either be the nice innocent Gryffindor you are and me being the evil, uh, bad boy I am, I'm supposed to corrupt you and turn you against everyone on your side."

Ginny looked rather amused by this. "What's the second option then, hotshot?"

"You can be the feminine version of evil incarnate and try to break up Potter and Granger because you haven't gotten over Potter, but you're sleeping with me on the side though. Oh, and you're supposed to act really bitchy while you're at it." Draco added the last sentence as an afterthought.

"Maybe I should submit an application for Death Eater boot camp while I'm at it too." Ginny said dryly.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I think application period's over for this year." Draco smirked at her, "Don't worry, you can still be my evil mistress."

"How many of them are you planning to have?"

"Uh…" Draco pondered this, "Good question."

"Because everyone thinks that you're with Pansy and half of Slytherin house."

"Okay…my publicist can keep his job a bit longer." Draco then added nonchalantly, "By the way, if you go with option B, you're having my kid next year."

"You're kidding me."

"Hey, I'm not the one that decides those things!" Draco protested as Ginny advanced on him threateningly, "Blame all those crazy writers out there! Besides, I only said IF!"

"Good, because there is no way I'm having your kids anytime before I'm twenty-five and I see a large rock on my finger!"

Ginny immediately regretted that outburst as Draco's trademark Malfoy smirk reappeared.

"So you do like me that way!" he crowed, "I knew I'm irresistible!"

"And you should be thanking me for the ego boost," Ginny grumbled, "Evil, arrogant prick suffering from multiple personality disorder."

"Thank you! I'm finally evil again!" Draco actually got up and did what looked like a little jig.

"I can't believe the writer of this crazy story is actually going to make me marry that prat," muttered Ginny under her breath.

Here the author just lost her train of thought (all twenty cars of them), so until next time!

End Part 2

At this point, any signs of human activity whatsoever would be greatly appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales By Miranda Aurelia 

As usual, Harry Potter is not mine. Enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 3: Not Overreacting

At that moment, Draco's eagle chose to make its entrance and dropped a letter down into Ginny's lap (seeing as Draco was still too busy celebrating his rediscovered evilness).

"Hey, gimme that." Draco snatched the letter from Ginny's hand.

She watched as the grin slowly faded from his face. "What is it?"

"Voldie's going to attack Hogsmeade next week and kidnap your brother and Granger as bait to lure Potter to Azkaban," he said quietly, "But that's not the worse of it."

"What is it then?"

"There's another spy inside Hogswarts. My cousin's here."

"Your cousin?" Ginny looked confused. "You never mentioned anything about having a cousin."

"Well, it's more like second or third, but he's still a Malfoy. He also has a polyjuice fetish." Draco raked a finger through his hair, "Well, this complicates things."

"Why should it? All we have to do is prevent Ron and them from going to Hogsmeade next week." Ginny said reasonably.

"It's not that easy! It's never that easy! My cousin's here to make sure of that, no doubt."

"But I thought your father was pretty high up in the Death Eater hierarchy."

"He is. That doesn't mean he doesn't know when a relative is trying to stab him in the back."

"So who is this cousin of yours anyways?"

"Duke."

"Your cousin's a duke?"

"No, his name is Duke." Draco corrected, "And before you get any ideas, I'm still richer, smarter and sexier than he is. Taller too."

"Right…" Ginny gave him a disbelieving look.

"Sheesh, this attitude from the woman who's having my children."

"How many times do we have to go over this?! I'm not having your kids!"

"Yet."

"Whatever. So this Duke guy, how come you didn't know he was here?"

"He's probably here under an assumed name. His family likes to think that they're so great at the false identity stuff."

"Great. Now what do we do?"

"What can we do?"

"Tell Harry?"

"I'm supposed to be evil, remember? It'll totally ruin my rep."

"Oh shut up Draco. Everyone knows that you and Harry haven't had a single real fight since fifth year."

"What do you mean EVERYONE?"

"Okay, fine," Ginny reluctantly conceded, "I know, you know, Harry knows and probably Hermione knows. Professor Dumbledore may know. Ron knows but I think he's still in denial…"

"My publicist is going to have to do major, major damage control."

"Just tell him."

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Later that afternoon, Harry received a detention from Professor Snape for "breathing too loudly".

As Harry arrived for his detention that evening, he was surprised to see that the classroom was completely empty. Where the heck was Snape?

"I'm overseeing your detention Potter," drawled a familiar voice.

"I should have known," Harry said darkly.

"Well, you got a better idea?" Draco snapped, "You have no idea what's going to happen to my rep if I ever got caught having a civil conversation with you."

"Right." Now Harry looked a bit irritated, "So what's so important that you had to land me in detention?"

"Voldie going's to attack Hogsmeade next week, take your girlfriend and the Weasel and use them as bait. Savvy?"

"Oh," Harry looked uninterested, "That's nice. So what else is new?"

Draco just gave him a long look.

"Oh right," Harry sighed, "Let me try that again." He took a deep breath, "WHAT?!"

Then he started waving his hands around and muttering. "Okay, that's it, Hermione's not going anywhere without twenty house-elves around her, even if I have to dock their pay myself." 

"For the love of-" Draco smacked a hand against his forehead, "Calm down, Potter! It's not that bad!"

"Not that bad?! Voldemort's after my best friend and the mother of my children and you're telling me it's not that bad?"

"Don't tell me Granger's expecting already," Draco's expression darkened, "Because that would make me very mad."

"Of course not!" Now Harry just looked at him curiously, "I never knew you had a thing for Hermione."

"I don't!" Draco turned his eyes heavenward before he gritted out, "I merely bet that it would take another two years before any little Potters were running about. If I lose thirty galleons because you and Granger can't keep your hands off each other before the end of next year, I will be very pissed off."

"People are betting on when Hermione's having our first child?" asked Harry incredulously.

"Well, yeah. What do you think we do in our spare time? C'mon," Draco scoffed, "There's only so many times one can pull the legs off of spiders and whatnot before it gets boring."

"Is there a bet going on with Ron and Luna?" asked Harry, a glint entering his eyes.

"Duh. How much do you want to bet?" Draco took out a little black book from his pocket and opened it. "By the way, Potter," Draco looked at Harry meaningfully, "I'll give you twenty percent if you and Granger make it two years."

"No."

"Thirty"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

"I can't believe you are encouraging me to reproduce."

"Well, actually, it's Granger doing the reproducing," said Draco dryly.

"Shouldn't you be trying to convince her then?"

"Hey," Now Draco looked annoyed, "Am I her boyfriend or are you?"

"Oh...right."

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Meanwhile, Lucius was trying to figure out the best way to cut his losses without arousing suspicion. He knew that sneaky cousin of his was slinking around doing damage. He also figured that Voldemort was beyond hope by now. The old boy was getting more and more irrational as the days went by.

"I wouldn't think too hard if I were you, cousin. People might think that you're up to no good." Earl Malfoy gave a laugh at his own joke. However, Lucius failed to see what was so funny about that.

"Bugger off Earl."

"That's the best you can come up with?"

"Well," Lucius' mouth curved into a evil grin, "I have been working on perfecting the Cruciatus curse…want me to demonstrate?"

"No," Earl leaned closer, "But I'd be more careful if I were you." He said in a low voice, "Pretty soon you and that brat of yours are going to find out that the Malfoy dynasty's going to be continued down a more worthy branch of the family."

"I'm positively shaking here."

"As you should be."

"From laughter, old boy." Suddenly Lucius smirked, "Which reminds me, Draco was just asking me the other day; if Voldemort made you an Earl, would you be Earl Earl then?"

"The two of you always had a very, unusual, sense of humour." Earl spat out the word 'unusual' as though it were something distasteful, "Must be all that inbreeding."

"No, sorry," Lucius said cheerfully, "I'm pretty sure all inbreeding occurred on your side of the family. Well, I guess that explains the hair, and the nose, and the eyes…oh and yes, that lovely personality."

He was almost amused to see a muscle twitching just above Earl's left eyebrow.

"Besides," Lucius added softly with a dangerous edge to his tone, "The last time we had a duel, don't forget who won that match."

"Battles and wars, cousin," Earl finally said evenly before he left with a swoosh of his robes.

He failed to notice Lucius give an indiscreet wave of his wand. However, the latter was satisfied to see his cousin's blond hair turn a lovely shade of neon pink.

Sure, Malfoy's were above these types of things, but hey, reconnecting with one's inner child did wonders for one's health.

Lucius rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Maybe he could persuade Narcissa to send a stuffed pig (booby-trapped of course) as a kind of peace offering later on.

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Meanwhile, Duke had sneaked back into the Slytherin dungeons and was currently searching through his cousin's sock drawer for some blackmail material. It was intensely puzzling that so far, all he had found was….socks. Surely all evil-mastermind wannabes hid their plans for world destruction in their sock drawer!! He had already been through the bottom of Draco's closet as well as under the bed.

After all, those were the least obvious places, weren't they? Well, in the Ravenclaw dorms, that was usually where the playwizard magazines could be found, but since he had a feeling that Draco was gay, that had to be where the secret plans were! That or his correspondence with Lucius – which his father had stressed were to be his first priority on this little scavenger hunt.

Wait! Maybe Draco was smarter than he gave him credit for! In that case, it would be in the most OBVIOUS place! So that would be…

Duke looked around. No paintings meant no secret safe behind it. Ah yes! It would be inside the top drawer of his desk!

Pleased with that logic and his smartness, Duke crossed over to the wooden desk, but as his hand closed around the handle of the drawer, he heard some footsteps from outside the door.

Quickly, he dived under the bed just as Draco entered into the room. From his position, he could see a pair of polished black shoes moving about.

Duke silently whispered an incantation and he almost laughed out loud as Draco stumbled over the paperweight he had magically placed in his path.

Swearing, Draco glared at the offensive item and kicked it under the bed.

Now Duke had to bite his tongue to avoid yelling as the paperweight connected directly with his face. "Bloody hell," he thought as he pressed a hand to his throbbing nose.

"Did you find it yet?" a girlish voice asked. All pain was momentarily forgotten as another pair of shoes entered into room.

"I thought I told you to wait for me outside!" Duke was surprised to hear the irritation in Draco's voice. The girl sounded familiar though…and he struggled to figure out who it was. Pansy? No, she was more high-pitched. Millicent? Nope, Millicent sounded like a guy.

"Wait a second. How did you get in here?" Draco glared at the redhead in front of him, "I didn't even see you!"

Ginny just grinned cheekily as she held up the invisibility cloak she had "borrowed" from him two weeks earlier.

"I was wondering where that was," muttered Draco, "Couldn't you have jacked Potter's instead?"

"Well, where's the fun in that?"

Draco merely gave a long suffering sigh, but he abruptly straightened as he noticed something…strange.

----------------------------------------------------

And the plot thickens...somewhat.


	4. Chapter 4

The Azakan Hot Tub Tales by Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

Unfortunately, my sarcastic side has...gone on a little vacation, so yeah. By the way...I know that some of the D/G stuff may seem a bit strange in this chapter...ah...bear with me. It's not like I was high on bubbletea or something. *grins* 

See earlier chapters for disclaimer. 

Chapter 4: Family Bonding 

The doorknob was giving off a soft blue glow - which meant INTRUDER ALERT! Normally, he would have assumed that it meant Ginny, but then he remembered he had charmed it so that it would be glowing red instead. 

His eyes narrowed. Who would want to break into his room? 

Ginny was a bit startled when Draco's fingers closed around her wrist and he yanked her against him. "There's somebody hiding in here," he whispered into her ear, "Got any ideas?" 

She merely threw an arm around his neck and pulled his head down a bit. "Who do you think it is?" 

"Probably that brat Duke. Father warned me that he was probably going to come snooping around." 

From under the bed, all Duke could see where two pairs of feet standing really close together. "Oh man…" he thought sourly, "Don't tell me they're going to make out…"

Meanwhile, Draco was thinking about his options: one was burn the place down, two was wait and three was currently under construction. 

"Hey, let go of me," hissed Ginny, slapping his arm, "If that spy tells his dad, then your dad'll find out that we're hanging out together." 

"Don't you remember that publicity campaign my publicist came up with? I have to be seen with you!" Draco hissed back, but as he looked at the annoyed expression on her face, he suddenly came up with a scheme to lure the brat out. 

"Argh," Ginny let out a small growl of frustration as a smirk appeared on his face, "Let go of me!" 

Suddenly Draco dropped abruptly to one knee. "Ginny, will you marry me?" 

Ginny just stared at him for a second. Wordlessly, she stretched a hand out and placed it against his forehead. Strange. Didn't seem like he had a fever… 

"WHAT?" Duke couldn't help it as he scrambled out from under the bed, but then he realized his mistake as Draco's eyes snapped onto him. 

"I knew you'd fall for that-nuh uh, not so fast." Draco's hand closed around the nape of Duke's school robes as the latter tried to run for it. 

Holding the other boy a feet off the ground, Draco turned to Ginny. "Ginevra, this lovely piece of garbage is my cousin, Duke. Duke, this is Ginevra." 

"You're marrying a Weasley?!" Duke was still trying to recover from the shock. 

Meanwhile, Ginny was surprised to say the least. "Aren't you in Ravenclaw?" she asked. 

Duke ignored her. "When Lucius finds out about this, you are going to be dead," he declared. 

"Let me see, do I really give a damn?" Draco pretended to mull this over. "No." 

"You're going to be sooo dead." 

"Well," Draco said cheerfully, "I guess I'll just have to bury the evidence then." 

"Best idea you've had in your life, cousin." Duke sneered at Ginny, "One less Weasley won't make a difference." 

"Ginevra dear," Draco turned a long suffering look at Ginny, "See what pains I must put up with? Is it not a wonder that I find myself going crazy?" 

"If you mean talking like you're in 18th century England, why no, I haven't noticed." 

"Sarcasm doesn't become you, my dear."

"Fine, just ignore me! Hello!! Boy hanging here!" yelled Duke. 

Ginny just rolled her eyes. "Draco, will you start interrogating him already?" 

"Fine." Draco turned back to Duke. "What the hell are you doing in my damn room? Who do you think you are? How did you get the password? Why are you so damn annoying? What the heck is Earl up to? Can't you get off my back for a single damn second? Why is the sky blue? What keeps the damn Earth in orbit? Why is it going to rain tomorrow? Answer me!" He finished with a roar. 

"I think you used the word damn like ten times. Grow a vocabulary, cousin." 

"I used it the damn word five times, smartass. Grow a memory stick, cousin!" 

"Oh yeah, grow-wait," Now Duke looked momentarily confused, "What's a memory stick?" 

Draco just gave a mighty sigh again. "Hopeless." 

"Oh yeah? You're so dead. When Lucius gets ahold of this…" 

"Kid's missing a freaking hard drive," muttered Draco to himself.

"Malfoy! Stop trying to impress everyone with sixth year Muggle Studies and get on with it already!" 

"You're taking Muggle studies?" Duke's grin widened, "Man, you are beyond dead." 

"That's it." Draco threw open the door and stalked out, yanking Duke by his robes while Ginny jogged to catch up with his long strides. 

"What are you doing?" she asked warily. 

Draco flashed one of his more malicious grins at her. "Payback time," was all he said before started up the stairs leading to the second floor.

"I'm sooo scared here," said Duke sarcastically, "What are you going to do? Feed me to the Gryffindors?" 

"You'll see." 

Draco ended up leading them all the way to the third floor before he finally stopped and released his hold on Duke.

"If you think making me walk up a couple flights of stairs is going to kill me, then you are stupider than I thought," declared Duke, brushing his clothes off, "I do exercise twice a week, you know."

"Wanna bet?" 

Ginny had to admit that the expression Draco was currently spotting was even one which would have scared her. 

"I'm not scared of you," scoffed Duke. 

"Hey, look, it's Tickle-Me Elmo!" Draco said suddenly, pointing to a spot behind Duke. 

The instance Duke turned his head, Draco gave him a mighty shove that saw his cousin retracing the fall he himself had taken two days ago.

As the resulting yelps and screams flowed up, Draco couldn't help throwing Ginny a smug smile. "I told you I was better looking."

"You sure are," cooed Ginny before she gave him a mighty smack, "That was the most poorly timed proposal I have ever heard in my life!" 

"That's the only proposal you've heard in your life," he corrected as he rubbed his arm. Boy, that girl could hit. Hard. 

"Why you-" 

"You should talk!" Draco broke in before she could continue on her tirade, "I propose and all you do is feel my forehead to see if I have a fever!" He glared at her, "There's no way I'm proposing to you again. Ever." 

"Hey!" Ginny protested even as she felt a bit dread seeping into her thoughts, "I thought you were joking! It's not as though you were serious about it." 

"Yeah right," scowled Draco, "Well, guess what Weasley? I was!" 

"You were?" Suddenly Ginny felt a bit faint, "Draco, I'm so sorry, if I'd known-" 

"What's the difference?" He said shortly, "You still would have said no." 

"I would have said yes!" 

Draco blinked before he turned back to her slowly. "Say that again?" 

"Well, I _think_ I would have said yes." 

"You sure about that?" 

"Yes, I-" Ginny broke off abruptly as soon as she saw the laugh Draco was trying to stifle, "I hate you!"  
she snarled before stalking off.

"Wait, wait!" Draco ran up and wrapped an arm around her waist. 

"What do you want now, Malfoy?" she asked icily, "I think I'm already feeling foolish enough without you rubbing it in." 

"Marry me, Ginny Weasley." He placed a quick kiss on her lips. "Say yes." 

"I already did," said Ginny crankily, although inside she was currently dancing inside. 

"Say it again for the sake of my poor ego, which you just tore into shreds." 

"Fine." She looked at him and her gaze softened, "Yes, I'll marry you, you prat." 

"I still think you could've left that last bit off," grumbled Draco, but he took a thin silver chain out of his pocket and looped it around Ginny's neck. 

"What-" 

"It's that rock you were talking about yesterday. That big enough for you?" 

Ginny simply stared at the huge diamond on the engagement ring she was currently wearing on a chain around her neck. "I was just kidding about that huge rock," she said faintly. _'I think Mom's going to go ballistic when she sees this...'_

"Anything smaller would be an insult to my family name. I bet it's bigger than the one Potter gave Granger." 

"I don't think he's given her one yet." Ginny threw her arms around Draco's neck. "I love you, Draco." 

"Love you too, Gin." He brushed his lips over her hair. 

"Know what?" 

"Yeah?" 

"It's kind of funny. You know, we've gone from hating each other to hanging out to getting engaged…pretty quickly." 

"Tell me about it," groaned Draco, "According to my publicist I'm getting all of the trouble and none of the benefits." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, I think the plot was supposed to go somewhere along the lines of what I told you yesterday." 

"Oh," Ginny raised an eyebrow, "I was supposed to attempt to seduce you…or was it the other way around?"

"All I know if that I'm missing out of some serious shagging."

"Is that all you guys ever think about?"

"Think about it! Potter's getting some, Weasley's getting some-" 

"Ew! That's my brother you're talking about for heaven's sake!" 

"-But all I've got are some measly kisses." 

"Excuse me," Ginny's eyes narrowed, "Harry and Hermione aren't doing it and what do you mean by measly?" 

"I mean-what do you mean Potter and Granger aren't doing it?" 

"They aren't…you know," Ginny gestured with her hands, "You know." 

"Well," Draco finally said after a moment of silence, "Could've fooled me." 

"Who told you that they were?" 

"Well, it sure seems like it…and my publicist seemed to think so too." 

"Who the heck is your publicist anyways?" Ginny grabbed his hand, "Because there's a few issues I think we need to get straightened out." 

"Aw," Draco pouted, "Is this the part about you having our first kid by next year?" 

"Oh shut up." Ginny rolled her eyes, "Just tell you publicist I want to talk to him." 

"Well, we can go talk to him right now." 

"We can?" Ginny looked a bit confused, "He's at Hogswarts?" 

"You bet."

"Please don't tell me it's Snape." 

"Of course not!" 

"Then who is it?" 

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" 

Ginny just groaned and buried her face into Draco's shirt. "Please tell me that's not Ron," she moaned. 

"Darling," drawled Draco, "It's my publicist…and judging from the steam coming out of his ears, I'd say he's pissed. Like really pissed." 

End Part 4 

No, I did not make Draco a computer nerd. He's still the bad boy we all love....just with an appreciation for computers! Yeah, that's it. =D

Any guesses as to who Draco's publicist is?

Also, reviews are nice. In fact, they're very nice!!


	5. Chapter 5

The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales by Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

A/N: Apparently I'm only inspired to write during exam period, which is really not good. I guess stress makes a good motivator. =D The next chapter should be up soon, since I've got the rest of the story practically written out by now – within the space of two days too, I might add. It's amazing what Quantum Mechanics can do to one's muse. That and facebook is not helping with the studying…

A big thank you to everyone that took the time to review! I noticed that the amount of readers went down by A LOT…hopefully somebody can tell me what parts I need to fix...?

Opps...almost forgot the disclaimer. Harry Potter...is not mine.

Chapter 5: Scripted Art

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

Ginny just groaned and buried her face into Draco's shirt. "Please tell me that's not Ron," she moaned.

"Darling," smirked Draco, "It's my publicist…and judging from the steam coming out of his ears, I'd say he's pissed. Like really pissed."

"Blaise?" As the other boy came into view, Ginny twisted out of Draco's arms and looked at the other Slytherin with a confused expression, "You're Draco's publicist?!"

"You bet your arse I am!" growled Blaise before he jabbed a finger into Draco's chest, "And you! What the heck do you think you're doing?!"

"Breathing."

"Well, you won't be for long," threatened Blaise, "Do you have ANY idea how much time I've spent perfecting this new image of yours?"

"Yes," said Draco coolly, "And you are being paid your worth in large amounts of butterbeer and the chance to live vicariously through my numerous escapades."

"I spent all my time trying to perfect your bad-boy, evil Slytherin image so that nobody'll suspect that you're turning traitor and this is how you thank me! All my hard work for naught," Blaise moaned, "I'm ruined, ruined I say!"

"If you say so, buddy."

"Blaise, calm down," Ginny cut in when the other boy stopped to take a breath, "I'm sure we can find some way to solve this-"

"He wasn't supposed to propose until like two years later!" Blaise snapped, "And that's only when you like three months along!"

Ginny's eyes narrowed, "And did either of you think to ask me if I was okay with this before you proceeded?" she asked in a dangerously quiet voice, "Because if you think I'm going to have my life dictated-"

"The proper word is scripted," corrected Blaise.

"Scripted!" Then Draco had to physically restrain her from scratching Blaise's eyes out, "You are gravely mistaken, you git!"

Blaise just rolled his eyes before he opened his book bag and thrust a huge stack of parchment into Ginny's hands.

"Let me tell you," said Blaise in a long suffering voice as Ginny leafed through the huge pile, "I've already had to make numerous adjustments and changes ever since Malfoy here-" he threw Draco a dirty look, "-shot down my first idea!"

"You wanted to pair me with Granger!" Draco sneered, "Geez! Even an idiot would have figured out that I'd be cuckolded in under two months if I married her!"

"Hey, take that back!" Ginny slapped his arm, "Hermione is not a scarlet woman!"

"I didn't call her a scarlet woman, Red."

"You were implying it," Ginny threw her hair back, "For your information, Hermione's probably the most faithful person I know!"

"To Potter."

"Well, that's true, but-"

"What I meant," continued Draco patiently, "Is that she'd probably end up shagging Potter anyways regardless of whom Blaise here decided to pair her up with."

Blaise nodded his agreement. "It didn't occur to me at the time…but you're right – for once."

"Your confidence in me is overwhelming," said Draco dryly, "But then you are my great, all-knowing publicist, so what can I say?"

"You flatter me."

"That's more like it." Draco smirked, "Now maybe you can explain to me, oh great all-knowing publicist of mine, why half the school still has trouble figuring out whether you're a guy or a girl."

Ginny was amused to see the other boy turn a deep shade of red.

"Technicalities," Blaise finally gritted out.

"Oh really?" Draco asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Look buddy," Blaise narrowed his eyes, "It's not my fault that half the school has trouble figuring that simple mathematics have it that Slytherin doesn't have enough guys in 6th year if they only count you, Goyle and Crabbe."

"You forgot what's-his-face and that other guy he hangs out with," noted Draco.

"Yes, but since everyone forgets them, I am a GUY because you need to have some guy in Slytherin to bitch at besides Crabbe and Goyle and because the crazy author writing this has decided that she needed someone else in Slytherin with some semblance of brains so DEAL WITH IT!"

"Someone's PMSing today," Draco tsk-tsked.

"Oh man," Blaise looked ready to strangle someone – the someone in this case being Draco – "I'm a GUY!"

"Hmm," Draco looked at him doubtfully.

"Oh for heaven's sake," growled Ginny before she grabbed Blaise's face and pressed a hard kiss to his lips.

Draco's mouth opened and closed wordlessly. "How could you do this to me?!" he demanded when he finally got his voice back.

"I was trying to prove a point, okay?" Ginny said in an exasperated voice, "Now will you two stop bickering?!"

"You weren't supposed to steal my girl!" Draco pointed an accusing finger at Blaise.

"I'm not!"

"Then why was she kissing you?!"

"To prove that he's a guy, now STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!" Ginny ended up screaming.

"Easy on the decibels there!" Draco rubbed his left ear, "How are you, Blaise?"

"Ow…" Blaise rubbed his right ear, "I think I've just gone temporarily deaf in my right ear."

"Now if you two immature jerks are done with your male bonding, can we get back to business?"

Not waiting for an answer, Ginny marched up to Blaise and jabbed a finger into his chest, "You will think of a better script that does not involve me getting giving birth to eleven little Malfoys or going evil or whatever, is that clear?" she stressed the last word with another jab.

"Loud and clear," muttered Blaise, rubbing the point on his chest where she had been jabbing him mercilessly.

"I don't see what's wrong with eleven little Malfoys…" said Draco under his breath.

"And you!" Ginny turned her furious gaze on Draco, "I love you, but can you please stop overreacting to every little thing?!"

"I do not overreact," Draco said indignantly.

"Yes you do."

"No I don't," Draco glared at Blaise.

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do to-" Blaise was quieted when Ginny lost her patience and slapped a silencing charm on him.

"Have I mentioned how much I absolutely adore you, Gin?" wondered Draco out loud.

"Not nearly enough."

* * *

Meanwhile, Duke was trying to get into his thinking mode by balancing himself on his head. He reasoned that if all the blood rushed down there, it would provide more oxygen and thus increase his intellectual capabilities.

"I am so smart," he thought to himself smugly. He was more than sure that Draco wouldn't be smart enough to think of this!

He had already sent off the parchment with all the information he had picked up, including Draco's impending marriage to the youngest Weasley (Won't Lucius blow a fuse over that one, Duke cackled), as well as the description of an interesting item he had found under Draco's bed.

The item in question was round and shiny with a small hole in the middle. He deduced that this "Michelle Branch" character whose name was inscribed on the object must be the name of one of Lucius's spies.

There didn't seem to be any spells on it, but one could never be too sure, so, after pulling on some surgical gloves, he gingerly placed it in a wooden box that he used especially for potentially lethal magical items.

With his head pressing against the floor, Duke tried to concentrate and decide on the next step of action.

After a few minutes, he wisely concluded that it was pretty amazing how…upside down everything looked from this particular point of view.

* * *

"I think there's something he's not telling me," groused Harry.

"Now why would Draco want to do something like that?"

The Gryffindor tower was temporarily empty save for Harry, Ron and Hermione ever since ten minutes ago when Harry had walked in, glanced around the room and said, "Voldemort".

The resulting stampede towards the portrait hole almost resulted in the Fat Lady being knocked OUT of the portrait itself, a feat that was unparalleled since the founding of Hogswarts.

Hermione had only sighed, continued with her essay and asked her boyfriend why he couldn't have found a better way of getting everyone out.

"AND YOU CALL YOURSELVES GRYFFINDORS?!" yelled Ron after the retreating crowd.

"Uh, Ron," Harry said carefully, "Your hands are shaking."

Ron quickly sat on his hands, "What did you say?"

"Nevermind."

End Part 5

As usual, reviews are appreciated.

Also, Draco and Ginny's son from the future makes an appearance in Chapter 6. ;)


	6. Chapter 6

The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales by Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

A/N: The coming chapters are my favorites of this fic. Hope you like!

Chapter 6: Guide to Messing with Timeturners

"I think there's something he's not telling me," groused Harry.

"Now why would Draco want to do something like that?"

The Gryffindor tower was temporarily empty save for Harry, Ron and Hermione ever since ten minutes ago when Harry had walked in, glanced around the room and said, "Voldemort".

The resulting stampede towards the portrait hole almost resulted in the Fat Lady being knocked OUT of the portrait itself, a feat that was unparalleled since the founding of Hogswarts.

Hermione had only sighed, continued with her essay and asked her boyfriend why he couldn't have found a better way of getting everyone out.

"AND YOU CALL YOURSELVES GRYFFINDORS?!" yelled Ron after the retreating crowd.

"Uh, Ron," Harry said carefully, "Your hands are shaking."

Ron quickly sat on his hands, "What did you say?"

"Nevermind."

So Harry proceeded to brief the two of them about his conversation with Ferret-Boy and his suspicions that Draco wasn't being entirely forthcoming with what he knew.

"Because he's a bloody prick, that's why."

"Well," Hermione rolled her eyes, "Now that we've established that important fact, what are we going to do?"

"Buy some AK-47's."

"What's an AK-47?" interjected Ron.

"Of course we're not!" scoffed Hermione, "That's just ridiculous. Witches don't carry AK-47's, even if it was popular in Afghanistan!"

"Then what do they carry?" asked Ron, who was starting to look a bit confused.

"A couple of blasters and a thermal detonator," said Hermione reasonably then she frowned, "Uh…What did I just say?"

"Opps," muttered the author, "Wrong fandom. I knew I should've stopped reading all that Jaina and Jag angst…How the heck could you have dumped Jag for Zekk?! That is just wrong!"

"Ahem," Harry glared, "Can we get back on topic here?"

"Sorry," the author replied meekly, then wonders if she offended any die-hard J/Z fans out there.

"Anyways, as I was saying," Harry with another glare, "We need some good curses-"

"Too bad you're, like, too good and pure to use any of the unforgivables…that would save us a lot of trouble," muttered Ron.

"-and simply oblivating everyone is boring, so any ideas?"

There was a moment of silence.

"….so how about those AK-47's?"

* * *

_About 20 or so years in the future at Hogwarts:_

"I need to go get something because of this plot twist the author wants to throw in. Save me a seat!" called Shawn before Ben disappeared down the stairs.

As the blond was walking down the hallway to Gryffindor tower, he noticed a small hourglass lying on the ground.

Frowning, he picked it up and turned it over a few times, never mind the fact that he was effectively breaking Rule #56 of the 'Malfoy Code of Survival' which stated: _Never play with sparkly hourglass-like objects - because for all you know they might be a freaking time turner! _

A split second later, the room started to dissolve around him and he felt himself flying through a blur of colors and shapes.

Shawn groaned as his mental voice reprimanded him for being too darn curious for his own good. Stupid conscience.

Now what?

He had obviously just traveled back in time....

...and he was still at Hogwarts, that was something he was sure of. Now…should he freak out or just wing it?

After careful consideration for a moment, he thought that freaking out sounded pretty good.

Present:

Ginny was on her way to back to the Common Room when a loud cry of frustration stopped her in her tracks.

Shawn paused in the middle of his loud ranting and saw a redhead staring at him with what could only be described as an extremely wary expression. "Oh thank Merlin…" he thought before he threw himself at her. "Mom!!"

Seconds later, the blond-haired student (who oddly resembled Draco) had wrapped his arms around her legs and was blabbering away.

"Good grief…how many cousins does Draco have?" Ginny thought to herself in disbelief as she looked down at the unknown student. "Uh…think you can let go of my legs now?"

Shawn paused in his ramblings to throw her a glare, "Gimme a second okay," he said irritably, "Sheesh, I'm still adjusting here!" Then he continued on with his blabbering.

Ginny fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Can you just tell me why you're decided to latch onto my leg? And don't tell me that you got pushed down a flight of stairs because that's getting a bit unoriginal."

He scowled at her and once again, Ginny was a bit taken back with his resemblance to Draco. Yup…that was the trademark Malfoy scowl alright.

"I got sent back in time." Shawn said slowly, glaring at the hourglass on the ground beside him like it was some kind of distasteful insect. "And no, it wasn't intentional or I wouldn't be freaking out like the world's ending and hence clinging to your leg like some kind of deranged groupie."

Personally, Ginny didn't care much for the sarcastic tone that had appeared near the end of his comment, but there was something about him that made her want to…reassure him? odd as it seemed.

"So…why are you clinging to my leg again?" Ginny looked down and unconsciously ran her fingers through the soft blond strands of hair. "Do I know you in the future?"

"Duh, I'm your son!"

When Shawn felt his mother's younger self tense, he was suddenly reminded of the Malfoy Code of Survival - Rule #17: _'Tact is needed around people that beat you to within an inch of your life.'_

Last time he checked, that applied to his mother as well, although she seemed to prefer making him spend afternoons with 'dear Uncle Percy', which in his mind, was even worse than getting beaten up.

Heck, even Grandfather Lucius almost shuddered when he told him about it and that guy was like, evil (or so he claimed).

Meanwhile, Ginny was a bit stumped by this revelation, but then her thoughts veered off, "Blaise! That….stupid…prat! I am so going to kill him!" she thought rather irrationally, seeing as Blaise couldn't have possibly done anything like this.

"Hello! Mom! A little bit of a reaction would be great!"

"Please don't tell me I'm going to be an unwed teenage mother," groaned Ginny, covering her face with her hands, "Because that's not very good."

"Uh…" Shawn looked a bit confused by this, "I'm pretty sure I wasn't born until you were in your twenties."

"I'm going to kill Blaise," she muttered before she looked down, "So you'll have to let go of my leg now."

"No!" yelped Shawn, "You're the only reason why I'm not freaking out…as much."

"Um, sorry to tell you, but I'M CLOSE TO FREAKING OUT!"

"Moms aren't supposed to freak out."

"Well, I'm an exception!" Ginny wanted to stomp her foot, but since Shawn still had a tight grip on her leg, she settled for wringing her arms.

"I reckon so."

"So why didn't you go and look for Draco?"

"Look for Dad? He's in enemy territory! Geez, do you know what they do to innocent, time-warped Gryffindors down there?"

"Uh…no?"

"Good, neither do I."

"What's your name?"

"Huh?"

"Your name." her brow wrinkled, "I hope I didn't name you something weird."

"Not really. Name's Shawn."

"Okay, Shawn," Ginny looked around, "I think it would probably be better if we got out of the hallway because Filch has this hallway equals sacred ground mentality going on whenever night comes."

Shawn finally released his grip before Ginny grabbed his hand, pulled him onto his feet and practically dragged him down the hallway. As the portrait of the Fat Lady swung open, she climbed through the hole and was relieved to see that the common room was surprisingly empty.

Quickly, she motioned for Shawn to follow her up the stairs and breathed a sigh of relief when nobody noticed her guest.

"So…" Shawn asked nervously, "What are the chances of Uncle Ron killing me when he finds out that I'm your new roommate?"

Ginny shrugged, "It was either this or spending the night in the dungeons, and I can tell you, it isn't that comfortable down there."

"I heard that you did that all the time though. Something about the silk sheets…?."

Shawn was kind of amused to see his mother flush a deep red. "I can always ground you, you know."

"Why couldn't you have this unimaginative that time I accidentally smashed that amulet?" he complained.

"Okay," Ginny grabbed a quill and a piece of parchment, "Note to self: think of better punishments for son." She scribbled away, trying to hide her smirk, "Anything else?"

"You're pure evil, Mom!"

"Then what's Draco?"

"Him? Oh don't worry; you're eviler than he is. At least, that's what Dad always says. By the way, it was the twins that slipped Uncle Fred that cursed frog, not me!"

"Twins?!" shrieked Ginny.

"Uh…" Shawn ran his fingers through his hair nervously, "Maybe I wasn't supposed to tell you that…."

The next morning…

"Hey Ginny, can I- ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!"

Ginny slowly opened one of her eyes to see two of the girls in her year staring unabashingly at the figure occupying the other bed.

Sometime during the night, Shawn had kicked some of the covers off, so he now he was lying there half-naked. Ginny would have stolen some of Draco's clothes, but she had been too busy grilling her son for details for blackmail material to use against Draco instead.

"Oh my God!"

At the moment, Shawn finally woke up and slowly stretched, letting out a huge yawn as he did so.

"Hey! Eyes off of my son's six-pack!" growled Ginny as the girls' eyes immediately fastened onto Shawn.

Luckily, the other two girls were too absorbed to notice the "my son" slip, but one of the girls turned to the other one excitedly, "Ohmigod, this is too good, we have to tell everyone!! Ginny has a half-naked guy in her room! We're telling!!"

"What? No!!" Ginny shrieked before snapping at her son, "And you, stop preening!"

"Sorry, habit," mumbled Shawn, running his hands through his hair, "Geez, I do have a girlfriend you know."

"Hey Ginny," Hermione rubbed her eyes sleepily, "What's this I hear about- ohmigod!"

"Hey mom! I'm a god now!"

"No, you aren't." said Ginny crossly, even if she did find the idea quite amusing.

"But even Aunt Hermione said so, and she's never wrong!"

"You being a god doesn't mean that I can't ground you."

"He looks like he could be related to Draco!" Hermione finally gasped out.

"What tipped you off? Was it the hair?" asked Shawn sardonically.

"Or the fact that he can't keep his mouth shut?"

"It was the smirk actually. It's kind of like Draco's – it makes me want to punch it off his face." Hermione finally concluded.

"Oi! No fair picking on the god!" protested Shawn.

"God of what exactly?!"

"Uh…hotness?"

Ginny threw up her hands, "How does your girlfriend even stand you?"

"I'm _really_ feeling the love here, mom."

End Part 6

Coming up in Chapter 7: Draco, Harry and Ron all react in their own way to Shawn's presence.


	7. Chapter 7

The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales by Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Wish I did!

Chapter 7: The Absolute Scariness that is Harry Potter

Ginny threw up her hands, "How does your girlfriend even stand you?"

"I'm really feeling the love here, mom."

End Part 6

"Oh c'mon, I'm sure I spoil you rotten for the first ten years of your life at the very least."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Well, I'll make sure that I do, so you won't have anything to say, buster!"

"Sounds good to me. By the way, about my girlfriend....her dad can pretty much kill me without lifting a finger. He's that powerful."

"Great," Ginny groaned to Hermione, "My son's seeing You-Know-Who's daughter."

"Hell NO!" Shawn looked disgusted, "That's just…ew…"

Ginny gave a sigh of relief. Meanwhile, the amused expression on Hermione's face remained as it had ever since she had figured out who the blond in Ginny's room was.

"So her dad's not some super bad dark wizard…I hope."

"Hardly. I mean, it's Harry Potter. You don't get scarier than that!"

His mother just stared at him for a second before grabbing Hermione and hugging her tightly. "Our children are going to get married! It's so romantic!"

"Hey! I never said anything about getting married!" protested Shawn.

"You don't want to offend Harry," warned Ginny.

"Duly noted."

"C'mon," protested Hermione, "Harry's not that scary, if at all."

"That's because all his scariness is never directed at you."

"Tell me about it!" moaned Shawn, "When he found out that I was seeing Nina, he threatened to make me watch all three Lord of the Rings movies without a bathroom break if he ever caught me hurting his  
daughter."

Ginny looked suitably impressed. "That's pretty creative."

"That doesn't really fit Harry's personality though," Hermione said thoughtfully, "He's usually not that big on the threats."

The redhead just rolled her eyes. "You obviously aren't around when bad things happen to you right? I mean, he practically mows down anybody in his path when you're in danger!"

"Um, mom, Aunt Hermione wouldn't be around if she were in danger right? So obviously she doesn't know-"

"I get the point!"

"Gee, snappish today, aren't we?" muttered Shawn.

Hermione wrapped an arm around Shawn's shoulders, "Ginny, there's no need to take out your anger on Shawn."

"You're the best, Aunt Hermione, you know that?"

"I'm sorry," Ginny sighed, "I'm still a bit out of it this morning…no hard feelings?" she bit her lip, "Oh my God, what if I'm a terrible mother and all my kids hate me?!"

"Hey, you're a great mom!" Shawn took Ginny's hand in his own and gave it a gentle squeeze, "You're one of the best moms in the whole wide world, even if you did torture me by making me spend an entire afternoon with Uncle Percy that time when I was eight." He said the last part under his breath.

Ginny gave him a small smile, "You know what? I'm glad I have you for a son too."

Shawn smiled back before he realized that all the sappy feelings were threatening his bad boy image; his smile quickly morphed into a frown as he tried to think of something else to say. "So…"

It was then that Draco, Harry and Ron burst into the room. Upon seeing the three occupants of the room sitting cross-legged on Ginny's bed, all hell broke loose.

"There he is!" yelled Ron, waving a rolled up copy of the Daily Prophet, "Charge!"

"Mom, save me!!" yelped Shawn, throwing himself behind Ginny.

"He's got Hermione too!" added Ron, as an afterthought.

"I can see that," bit out Harry, although he did throw Hermione a questioning look.

"Hey, I get first dibs!" yelled Draco, "That's my fiancée whose room he's holed in." Then he scowled,  
"Ginny, how could you do this to me?!"

"What did I do?"

"You're cheating on me with some kid that looks like me!" whined Draco.

"It could be worse," offered Shawn, "She could be cheating on you with someone who's not as good looking as me."

"Why you little-!"

"Draco!" shrieked Ginny as her boyfriend tried to reach behind her and strangle their son, "Stop that!"

"Go Malfoy!" cheered Ron.

"Shut up Ron!"

Meanwhile, Hermione calmly placed a hand onto Harry's arm; the latter just pinched the bridge of his nose. "I assume there's a good explanation for this?" he asked wearily.

"He's from the future," Hermione informed him.

Harry paused before his eyes traveled from Shawn to Ginny to Draco and back to Shawn before turning to Hermione. "Oh," he said, lowering his wand.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Ron looked confused, 'A few curses would be nice here!"

"Ron!" yelled Ginny as Draco finally managed to clue in onto the other boy's identity, "You even _think _about cursing my son and I'll-"

"Son?" squeaked Ron, "How?"

Draco just rolled his eyes, "Didn't your dad tell you about the birds and bees, Weasley? You have a guy and a girl and maybe a bed-"

"La la la la la," Ron covered his ears with his hands, "Not listening!"

"I think he's still repressing," Ginny whispered to Draco, "The Talk was pretty awkward from what I heard."

Draco smirked before he turned to Shawn who was currently very interested in the wallpaper, "Don't tell me you're repressing too?"

Shawn just rolled his eyes, "Mom thinks I'm going to make her a grandma before I reach my eighteenth birthday, what do you think?"

Surprisingly, it was Hermione that blew up at this and Shawn suddenly found himself at wand-point. "So you're just _playing_ around with my precious daughter?" she hissed.

"No!" Shawn said quickly and then he gulped at the slightly dangerous look that had entered his godmother's eyes, "I wouldn't do that, I love her!"

That effectively shut everyone up for the next half minute or so.

"Well," surprisingly, it was Ron that finally broke the silence, "Let me congratulate you on giving an extremely smart reply and thereby preventing yourself from being kicked down the stairs by Harry Potter himself."

"Oh…Uh…Thanks, Uncle Ron."

Draco merely shot Ron an irritated look. "Malfoys do not get kicked down stairs by people named Potter."

"Says who?" shot back Ron.

"Rule #103 of the Malfoy Handbook: Malfoys do not allow themselves to get kicked down stairs or off balconies by people with the surname of Potter," recited Draco and Shawn simultaneously in a monotone voice.

"That's a stupid rule," groused Ron.

"Deal with it."

"Sod off, Malfoy."

"So that's our future son-in-law?" Harry asked Hermione quietly, nodding towards Shawn as Ron and Draco continued to bicker.

"Yes," Hermione smiled, "And believe it or not, I'm actually starting to get rather fond of him myself."

Harry shrugged, "Well, at least we know that he has excellent taste."

"Why thank you Potter-" Draco drawled, catching the tail-end of the conversation between Harry and Hermione, "But it's common fact that all Malfoys have impeccable taste."

Ron immediately doubled over coughing at that remark.

"Oh dear," Draco said in a concerned voice, even though his eyes shone with mirth, "I think Weasley sounds like he's going to kick the bucket soon."

"You wish Malfoy!" spluttered Ron.

"Yeah," Draco looked annoyed, "Speaking of which, where the heck is my fairy godmother? On strike? I mean, there has to be a reason why none of my wishes are coming true!"

"Probably because Ron's been wishing the same thing and your wishes probably cancel each other out."

Draco pouted at Ginny, "But I spend more time wishing for his demise!"

As usual, Draco's pout resulted in Ginny wrapping an arm around his shoulders and giving in to the urge to nibble on his lip, which naturally evolved into a full-blown snogging session.

"Somebody shoot me," muttered Ron as his sister and so-called mortal enemy proceeded to indulge in a long snog-fest.

Shawn suddenly found his shoes extremely interesting.

"You really are serious about my daughter?" Harry turned to Shawn with an unreadable expression.

"Wait a minute!" Draco finally broke off his lip-lock with Ginny, "I thought this was just your average teenage fling!"

"This is where you threaten my manly bits if I even cause Nina shed a single tear, right?" asked Shawn nervously. It didn't matter how many things his father said to the contrary, his godfather was a scary wizard!!

"Don't give him any ideas!" hissed Draco.

"Did you hear about that Death Eater I ran into the other day?" Harry chose this time to remark off-handedly to Hermione, "I don't think he'll ever look at rectangles the same ever again."

Shawn gulped.

"By the way," Harry looked at the younger Malfoy, "I fully expect any grandchildren to be legit."

"Grandchildren!" Shawn was mortified to hear his voice squeak.

"Hey!" Draco glared at his son, "Malfoys do not, under any circumstances, even when threatened by the evil, scary Pothead himself, squeak!"

Shawn scowled. "Your hearing's going out the window, Dad."

"My hearing is perfectly fine! You're grounded!" Draco snapped before turning back to Harry, "Are you nuts? That's my only son you're trying to marry off!"

"I guess if you don't mind your grandkids having my last name…" Harry said, affecting a seemingly thoughtful expression.

"That's it! You're proposing as soon as you get back!" Draco snapped again, this time at Shawn.

"Dad, I'm only fifteen!"

"Well, you should have thought of that _before_ you started having less than platonic thought about Potter's daughter!"

"Hear, hear!"

"Uncle Ron!!"

"Sorry, kid. It's a bad habit of mine."

"You mean aside from the ten thousand other bad habits you have," said Draco dryly.

"Shut it Malfoy."

"And before I forget," Draco ignored Ron and turned to Ginny with an innocent expression, "What was that you said yesterday about not having my kids?"

"………"

* * *

Meanwhile, Duke was starting to get even more restless and impatient and just generally annoyed. It was…unacceptable, that's what it was! for a genius mastermind like himself to have to await orders like any ordinary death-eater-in-training!!

He glanced again at the short note from his father. Earl had seemed particularly interested in the circular shiny object that Duke had discovered, but it seemed that the Dark Lord was currently 'meditating' á la Obi-wan Kenobi, so now he had nothing to do but wait.

Well, that was boring.

Maybe it was time for him to take a bit of initiative. After all, all future leaders had to have a bit of initiative! (It said so in the Hogswarts Leadership Camp training brochure) and since Duke had been special enough to be one of only _five hundred_ Hogswarts students selected for said Leadership Camp, he figured he had what was needed.

First things first. He needed a plan.

As he tapped his quill impatiently against the table, the abrupt appearance of an owl appearing right in front of him caused him to tip back a bit more than usual and arms flailing wildly, he fell backwards onto the ground with a scream.

His father's owl merely gave him an almost disdainful look after dropping the letter on his head before flying off again.

Duke groaned as the room seemed to spin around as he slowly righted himself. Grabbing the side of the table for balance, he slowly read through the letter. It seemed that his father had the suspicion that Lucius had probably warned Draco about the planned attack at Hogsmeade, and since Draco was now seeing Weasley girl, he intelligently deducted that the boy Weasley would know too and by extension, Potter must know as well. A new plan was needed at once!

Well, Duke knew that he was simply a natural leader; so therefore, it was up to him to come up and implement this new plan!

That is why, after ten minutes of intense scribbling and muttering, he had come up with, not only Plan A, but Plan B as well!

"Oh yeah," thought Duke smugly, "Pure genius in the house!" He rubbed his hands together gleefully, "Now…where did I hide my stash of polyjuice…."

_A few levels above…. _

Draco was still gloating about the fact that his son was here, Ginny was pointedly ignoring him, Ron was trying to get more information out of Shawn and Hermione and Harry were quietly talking amongst themselves.

"I get made part owner of the Chudley Cannons and I get onto Witch Weekly's annual List?" Ron looked rather excited at this.

"Every year, I think," Shawn shrugged, "Though Dad and Uncle Harry still have this pissing contest about who's been #1 for the most years. I think they're kind of tied right now, though I still say it's really weird seeing them on the cover."

"Yeah right," snorted Draco, "With those scrawny arms Potter has?"

"They are not scrawny!" protested Ginny.

"Far from it," Hermione added, then she looked defensive as everyone stopped and stared at her. "What?"

"Why Granger, I never thought that you'd notice anything that wasn't part of a two-thousand page textbook," said Draco sarcastically.

Harry just looked rather pleased. "Thanks Mione," he gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Hermione just blushed.

"Hands, Harry!"

"Lighten up Ron, it's not like _nobody_ noticed all that foot movement under the table with Luna last night-"

"Now that is way too much information," grimaced Shawn.

"I totally agree," said Ginny with a wrinkle of her nose as they neared the top of the stairs.

"Although it's not as bad as-AH!!" Shawn yelped as he stumbled and went flying down the stairs head first.

"Shawn!"

"Wigardium Leviosa!" shouted Hermione.

Shawn gave another uncharacteristic shriek as he suddenly went from flying straight down the stairs to shooting ten feet up into the air above them.

"I can't look," moaned Ginny as she buried her face into Draco's shoulder.

"I can," exclaimed Ron, "Does anyone have one of those muggle…tamras things?"

"You mean a camera?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, that."

Meanwhile, Hermione gently lowered Shawn back onto his feet, the latter of which was now awfully pale.

"Are you alright?" Draco asked.

Shawn was silent for a long moment, then he broke out into a grin. "That was fun! Can we do that again?!"

Meanwhile, at the underground cavern….

"Where's my headless horsemen?!" bellowed Voldemort.

"Uh, Boss," said Earl cautiously, "You have to be dead to have those…"

"Oh," A thoughtful expression appeared on Voldemort's face, "That is a problem, what with me being immortal and all."

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, why doesn't someone kill me already?!" The Dark Lord finally yelled, "I want my headless horsemen!!"

"Um…do you w-want us to c-c-call Harry P-P-Potter?" stuttered Nott, "I t-think he might be w-w-willing."

"No!" Voldemort turned towards Nott in a rage, "I get to kill him!!"

"Oh yes," Lucius thought to himself, "I hear that Quebec is very nice this time of year. Nothing like taking half a year off from your demented boss to help with the mental healing and all."

Earl cut in smoothly, "Never fear, for my son is currently setting your plan into motion as we speak."

Now Voldemort just looked a bit perplexed. "What plan do you speak of and why wasn't I informed about this plan?"

"It's a relatively new plan. An extremely good one if I do say so myself." Earl said pompously.

"Ah yes, this seems to be a good time to use up those two years of paid vacation time I have saved up," Lucuis continued his internal musings while Earl gave his sales pitch, "I wonder if Narcissa would like a trip to Venice this time of year or maybe even Outer Mongolia…"

"-thereby successfully kidnapping the Mudblood and the Weasel!" finished Earl with a triumphant smirk, "What do you think?"

"Very nice." Voldemort replied rather absentmindedly while admiring his new locks in a mirror. "Do you think green looks bad on me?"

"Well, uh…" Goyle Sr. just looked confused, "Sure?"

"Crucio!"

Lucius didn't even blink as his fellow Death Eater toppled to the ground screaming. He was too busy reviewing his future vacation plans.

End Part 7

In Chapter 8, Duke puts his Evil!Sinister!! plan into action. Will Harry and Draco get there in time? Is Harry's publicist one THOUSAND times better?! Are Death Eaters scary? Will the disco ball fall on Voldemort?

Any and all comments welcome. Flames will be used on the Death Eaters to promote healthy living.


	8. Chapter 8

The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales by Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

Chapter 8: Why one should carry a functional cellphone

_A few days later, sometime after dinner, at the bottom of the stairs leading to the Great Hall _

"Malfoy, didn't you just head off with Ginny?"

The Slytherin merely raised an eyebrow, "Well, seeing as I just got here…"

Harry looked a bit perplexed by this, "So who was that I just saw heading off with Ginny, Ron and Hermione to the Prefect meeting?"

"I was planning on skipping it," drawled Draco, "But you said that someone who resembled me went off with them?"

"Not just resemble," insisted Harry, "He looked exactly like you!"

Suddenly a thought occurred to Draco, "He didn't…seem a bit crazy, did he?"

"No more than you usually do," said Harry dryly, "Though what was up with that evil laugh of yours? Even Ginny was giving you weird looks."

"That wasn't me, you git!!" Draco gritted through his teeth, "But I think I know who."

Seeing that Harry still didn't get what he was talking about, he sighed. "I got a letter from my father a last week," he explained patiently, "He said that my uncle and cousin were planning something."

"Go on."

"Remember what I told you about Voldie wanting to lure you out of Hogswarts using the Weasel and Granger?!"

Harry just looked at Draco with dawning comprehension, "So if you weren't the one I saw with Ginny and them, that means-"

"My cousin decided to have some fun with polyjuice," grounded Draco, "What I get my hands on that…argh!!" He cracked his knuckles, "Where were they going, Potter?"

"Third floor."

The two of them exchanged another look before they practically flew towards the stairs.

When they finally arrived on the third floor, both of them were panting like crazy.

"This castle really needs an elevator," grumbled Harry when he finally caught his breath, "And better room service while they're at it."

Draco merely continued his internal monologue as he turned sharply down the left corridor.

Kicking open the first door dramatically, Draco was cut off in his internal rantings (mostly about what he was going to do to the git that dared to steal his good looks) as he spotted them near the windows in the empty classroom. Harry almost smacked into the blond as he abruptly stopped in the doorway.

"What the heck, Malfoy-" Harry's eyes flashed in anger as he took in the scene in front of them. "Hey, let go of them!"

The Draco lookalike was currently holding onto the three petrified figures of Hermione, Ron and Ginny.

That seemed to galvanize Draco into action as he immediately ran straight towards Duke, fire shooting out of his eyes.

"Too late, heros," sneered Duke, still wearing Draco's face, as he continued the countdown, "-and one! So long, suckers!!"

"Hermione! Ron!"

"Ginny!" yelled Draco as both his spell and Harry's bounced off an invisible barrier that shimmered into view after the spells hit it.

Harry and Draco could only watch in horror as the portkey activated and Duke disappeared along with his captives.

The next second, there was a loud bang and a hole had appeared in the wall of the empty classroom.

Draco looked warily from the broken stone to Harry and back again.

"That was a _perfectly_ normal reaction," Harry said defensively, lowering his still slightly smoking wand.

"I would suggest anger management classes if I wasn't so sure that you'd probably put a hole through the ceiling anyways."

"I do not have a bad temper," grumbled Harry.

"Yeah, and I'm not evil."

"You're not."

"Oh yes I am!"

"What was the last evil thing you did? Huh?"

"I warned you about Duke's plan to kidnap Granger and Weasley!" Draco blurted out before realizing that didn't fall into the category of evil at all, "No, wait a second, no, I didn't do that!"

"Yes you did."

"Damn…" Draco moaned, "My reputation is officially fried."

"You can still be a major pain the arse sometimes, if that's any consolation," offered Harry with a straight face.

"No, that's a job requirement," Draco rolled his eyes, "So what do we do now?"

"Now," Harry began his usual habit of pacing back and forth around the room, "We figure out where your temporary look-alike took Ron, Hermione and Ginny and charge to the rescue as usual."

"Okay," Draco pretended to look really keen, "So where to?"

Harry opened his mouth to speak and then shut it again wordlessly. "Don't rightfully know," he concluded ruefully, "Usually Hermione's the one that handles the details; I'm the one that does the charging, hand-waving and butt-kicking."

"Should have known you'd be all useless without the missus," the blond muttered as he tried to figure out what to do next.

"Well, since the git just kidnapped my girl as well, I suppose I might as well be non-evil and help Potter get Granger and the sidekick back." Draco thought, "So I suppose the next thing would be to find out where I can get a portkey to this hideaway. Hmm, I know…."

Harry's eyes widened as he saw Draco remove a shiny silver object from his pocket, "You have a _cellphone_?" he asked incredulously, "They don't even work in here!"

"What's so surprising?" Draco gave Harry an annoyed look as he punched in some numbers, "And for your information, oh wise one, the school blocks apparition, not cellphone signals!"

Abruptly, he turned away when the person at the other end finally picked up. "Father, is that you?"

Pause.

"What? Voldie gave you a promotion and a raise because he thought Duke was me? Wait a minute, they're dedicating part of the cave network to you too? Wow! That is just awesome! I really should let moronic cousins impersonate me more."

Pause.

"So where are you?"

Pause.

"There's a spare portkey _where_?"

Pause.

"Oh…no, how the heck am I suppose to know that you keep your portkeys in the hidden panel of my  
desk that I didn't even know about!"

Pause.

"Uh huh, okay. Be right there. You're putting Earl on shoe-shinning duty right? Sweet. You say they're all bowing to Granger? What for?!"

Pause.

"I see. Sure. Bye." Draco concluded his conversation with a snap of his cellphone before turning back to Harry.

Seeing Harry's raised eyebrow, he reported, "Voldemort just got knocked out by the fake disco ball and the remaining Death Eaters so terrified of your wrath that they're treating Granger like a queen."

Harry just blinked. "Wow, I had no idea I was that scary."

"Say, who is your publicist anyways?" asked Draco curiously, "Because I really want to hire them."

About fifteen minutes later…

"I had no idea your stuffed bear was a portkey too; not to mention it's kind funny imagining you with a teddy bear in the first place, especially one with hearts all over it…"

"Potter," Draco said patiently, "Kindly remove your hands from Gin's Valentine's day gift…." He paused, "Or what was to be her present."

"Oh...." There was a pause, "Hey, what's this? It looks really neat!"

"You sure you aren't a Dark Wizard at heart?"

"Well, Hermione always likes it when I get a bit rough-"

"Oh puh-leeze! Spare me your twisted bedroom activities!"

"-dueling! She hates it when I go easy on her." Harry rolled his eyes, "Get your mind out of the gutter, ferret-boy."

"Well, how am I supposed to know?!"

"Did you find the right portkey yet?"

"Like ten minutes ago!"

"Then what are you waiting for?!"

"I'm meditating! Important stuff, you know!"

"Malfoy, you are not a Buddhist-in-training, now move!"

End Part 8

A/N2: Only 1 more chapter left after this! *grins* Coming up: Why does Ron like the Death Eater hideout so much? Does Draco suck at sign language? Do Harry and Hermione ever stop?


	9. Chapter 9

The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales by Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

Finally, the last chapter of the story has arrived. I want to thank everyone that read and especially that those that took the time to leave a comment!

Chapter 9: Reunions

_At the underground Death Eater HQ…_

"Harry!" yelled a familiar voice.

Harry was still feeling a bit disorientated when a female form barreled into him, knocking both of them onto the ground.

"Draco!!"

Unlike Harry, Draco was a bit more effective in keeping himself balanced, so when Ginny leapt into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist, he just swayed a bit, but didn't fall over.

"I'm so glad to see you!" Ginny said, her voice muffled against Draco's shoulder, before she pulled his head down for a long kiss.

"Remind me to charge to rescue more often," said Draco with a smirk when they finally came up for air awhile later. He rested his forehead against hers, grey eyes gazing into hazel ones.

"In fact, I think you deserve a reward," Ginny said huskily, her eyes darkening a bit as one hand traveled under his robes and began tugging at his shirt.

However, at that moment, a loud moan cut into Draco's thoughts and he glanced to the side for a second before rapidly slamming his eyes shut.

"Gin?" he hissed.

"Yeah?" Her hand stopped momentarily where it was tracing the planes of his back, "What is it?"

"Remember how you told me that Potter and Granger weren't doing it?"

Now Ginny just looked a bit confused. "What about it?"

He motioned with his head to the left, his eyes still tightly shut in horror.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Ginny when she finally saw what was happening.

"I told you they were doing it," muttered Draco.

"Oh my!" sighed Ginny, eerily reminiscent of one Luna Lovegood at that moment, "Those muscles are totally drool-worthy."

"Oi!" Draco's eyes snapped open, "No drooling over Potter!"

"Don't be silly. Just because he's like my brother doesn't mean I can't appreciate..." Ginny gestured in the direction of the couple on the ground before she gently tugged the lobe of his left ear with her teeth, "Besides, it's not like I don't drool over yours all the time…"

She smiled as her fiancé reacted to her words.

"DRACO!"

Ginny yelped as Draco almost lost his hold on her, seeing how startled he was.

"Father!" The blond finally managed to gasp out, "Uh…nice weather?" What _was_ the protocol when your father caught you making out with your girlfriend?

He quickly removed his hand from a certain part of Ginny's anatomy.

"We are currently in an underground cavern, my son," Lucius Malfoy said evenly, "Though I must say that I am pleased that you are taking your duties regarding the next Malfoy heir seriously."

Draco and Ginny just looked at him in shock. Did Lucius just give them permission to shag?

"-in any case, Potter seems to."

Draco gave a quick peek over his shoulder. It was fortunate that Harry and Hermione were both covered by Harry's cloak, although he really wasn't sure how much clothing each party had on under it.

"Your father is one of the candidates for the position of Minister of Magic, is that not so?" Lucius abruptly directed this towards Ginny.

"I-I, I think so."

Seeing as the two on the ground were slowly starting to attract a small crowd, Draco sighed heavily as he made his way over, leaving Ginny to be interrogated by her future father-in-law.

Kneeling down beside the couple, he was relieved to see that they were both still fully clothed (though Hermione seemed to have teared off part of Harry's shirt in the process) and he grabbed the back of Harry's shirt, pulling him off Hermione.

"Hey!!" Two pairs of emerald green and chocolate brown eyes glared at him furiously, while a couple of "Boo's" sounded from the crowd.

"Unless you feel like starring in your own X-rated movie for the crowd, I would suggest you wait awhile longer," Draco said evenly.

Seeing the numerous Death Eaters and House elves gathered around them, the Boy-Who-Lived and his girlfriend flushed in embarrassment.

"Maybe we were a bit too eager…" Harry trailed off when Draco's eyebrow almost hit his hairline.

"Right…." Draco said in a disbelieving tone before he turned to the crowd. "If anybody wants to see more of Potter and Granger, I think I can arrange to have a hidden camera or two stashed in their room-OW!" He glared at Hermione, who had just smacked him in the head as she walked over to Harry.

"Don't you even think about it!" hissed Hermione.

"That's the problem Granger," Draco rolled his eyes, "You can't even recognize a good business investment if it hit you in the arse."

"Watch it Malfoy," warned Harry, placing his hands protectively around Hermione's waist, "The arse in question, and any other parts along with it, belong to me."

Hermione gave Harry a dirty look.

"Okay, fine," relented Harry, "It's copyrighted."

"You can't copyright body parts!" Draco argued, before he ran his hands through his hair, "Although who the heck would want to watch the two of you shag is beyond me," he muttered, pointedly ignoring the slowly dissipating crowd.

"Draco?" came the soft inquiry from behind him.

"What is it, Gin?" Draco became concerned at the pale look on Ginny's face. "My dad didn't give you a hard time, did he?"

She shook her head. "It's just…your dad would make a very scary businessman," she whispered.

Draco chuckled, "I don't doubt it."

"Hey, what did I miss?" called out a familiar voice.

"SHAWN XAVIER MALFOY!!" shrieked Ginny, "You are so grounded!"

Her son skidded to a stop in front of her and Draco. "What did I do?" Shawn looked a bit bewildered.

"Did you know about this?" Ginny glared at Draco, then, without waiting for an answer, she turned back to Shawn. "What did I tell you about going by yourself to Death Eater hideouts?" she hissed.

"Uh…" Shawn looked a bit sheepish, "Don't go?"

Meanwhile, Draco was rapidly making various hand motions behind Ginny's back, which Shawn tried to interpret. "I mean….I thought you were in danger…and then Dad disappeared, so I thought that I'd….come and buy a Happy Meal…but the penguins were marching…uh, I don't think I got that last part, Dad."

Draco tried to not to slap his hand against his forehead as Ginny turned her glare onto him.

"Oh man, you are so whipped," said a new voice.

"Stupefy!" yelled out four voices and Duke immediately found himself back on the ground once more.

Draco, Ginny and Shawn all stared at Lucius. The latter simply shrugged, "I figured that it's my job to set an example and all."

"I have the coolest grandfather ever!" crowed Shawn.

Lucius looked pleasantly surprised by this comment, "I must say I'm quite surprised. When I told you to see to the matter of the Malfoy heir, I had no idea you'd be that quick." he told his son.

"Thank you, Father," Draco really felt like preening.

"Ahem."

"Of course, I couldn't have done it without Ginevra here!" Draco quickly added, tugging Ginny closer.

Meanwhile,

Harry looked around at the random Death Eaters chatting amongst themselves. "Where's Ron?"

At that a crossed look appeared on Hermione's face, which caused some of the Death Eaters near them to tense up slightly. "That prat," she finally hissed angrily, "Is playing World of Warcraft on Death Eater Central's computer system!"

"WHAT?"

"I know!" fumed Hermione, "Here we have the perfect chance to do some reconnaissance and he-"

"Voldemort has World of Warcraft?" blurted out Harry. When Hermione's gaze seemed to burn into him, he hastily added, "I mean, that's terribly irresponsible of him. In fact," he started towards one of the tunnels, "I'm going to give him a piece of my mind right now."

"Harry, that way leads to the swamp."

"Opps."

"Let's do this the easy way," Hermione took out her wand and quickly said, "Accio Ron Weasley!"

A loud scream was immediately heard through the cave as Ron came flying out of one of the tunnel entrances and landed in a heap in front of Hermione.

"Give a bloke some warning, would ya?" groaned Ron from his place on the stone floor.

Hermione opened her mouth to retort when a familiar evil laugh echoed through the tunnels and Voldemort glided back into the main cavern. "I'm back!" he cackled.

"AH!!!" Ron resumed screaming. "We're all going to die! I'm too young to die!!"

"I'll see you back at the Manor, son," Lucius told Draco, "In fact, I think that trip to Mongolia is looking very attractive right now…."

Harry just grabbed onto Ron's arm and jerked him back, thus saving Ron from some of the hexes Voldemort was now shooting at them. "Do you have the portkey?" he yelled at Hermione.

"I got it!" was the reply as she took ahold of Harry's other arm and they disappeared from the cavern.

"I guess I understand why Grandfather finally did a hostile takeover-" was the last thing Lucius heard as Draco, Ginny and Shawn disappeared from view.

"Hmm," Lucius pondered to himself as the Death Eaters began scrambling to get out of the way of Voldemort's wrath once more, "Hostile takeover. I like the sound of it. In fact, I like it a lot."

He grinned as one of the hexes zapped Earl on the butt.

_Back at Hogswarts_

"Well, I guess it's time for me to go back now…" Shawn said nervously, looking at the ground before he was enveloped in a tight hug by Ginny.

"It was great seeing you," she smiled shakily.

Draco took her into his arms, "Don't worry, if Blaise is right, you'll even get to see him next year!" he said soothingly.

Ginny glared at him.

"Or maybe not."

"I am throwing that pile of parchment out the window of the Astronomy tower the first chance I get," she muttered.

"Aw…"

"Glad to see some things never change," Shawn gave the others another small smile before he tilted the time-turner over a couple of times. "See you in the future! Remember to buy lots of presents for me!" he grinned cheekily before he disappeared.

"I really thought V-V-Vo-Voldemort was dead," Ron finally said, "He did do the whole dramatic fainting and all…"

Draco mock-gasped, "You said his name! Weasley, my hero!"

"Shut up Malfoy."

"That never changes, either," Ginny said to Hermione under her breath.

The latter just hid a grin before she announced, "Of course Voldemort isn't dead! In fact, he can't die until the end of our 7th year-"

"Oh right!" Ron smacked his forehead, "Because then that muggle, JFK-"

"JKR," corrected Hermione.

"-she'll have nothing to write about!"

Everyone gasped.

End Book 1.

If anyone's interested, the (unfinished) sequel can be found at under Blue Lady's account at portkey.

Thanks for reading!


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